December 2010

Resume Tips

December 30, 2010

In the past year, I’ve sent out my resume an estimated 300 times. No exaggeration necessary. This should make me an expert on resumes, but I’d contest that point. If I were an expert, my resume would’ve landed me more than a just a handful of (mostly unpaid) gigs this year. That being said, here [...]

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Cure for Swollen Gums: Inner Truth and Peyote

December 30, 2010

I woke up this morning with the side of my mouth swollen. It was my gums. It was bad. Ambling about  my fiancee’s house, I kept the balloon in my cheek hidden. Somehow, even after multiple conversations with her father, Rocky Dennis managed to escape  undiscovered. I took my fiancee to the train, and my left [...]

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30 new uses for phonebooks

December 28, 2010

Seeing how my family receives upwards of six to ten phonebooks a year, I’ve compiled a list of alternatives uses for said obsolete bibles. (read: green alternatives to waste). Fire wood for homeless people Materials for a paper airplane Air Force Bulletproof chest protector Booster seat for people with a perfectly shaped 8.5” x 11” [...]

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D. Morris: check for smoke signals

December 28, 2010

Last night, my grandma received a startling phone call: her Tuesday Square Dance was cancelled this week. She immediately played the role of socialite, busted out her address book, and dialed the other members of her dance club. The only problem is, there was a new dancer yet to be counted for. Not one party [...]

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Puppy impregnation threat: neutralized

December 10, 2010

I took my puppies, Samson and Scoop, to the vet to get neutered today. I tell you, they have no sense of humor… the vet, not the dogs. The dogs crack jokes all the time about it. Their jokes are C+ at best, but they get my pity chuckles, after all, I took away their [...]

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$10 gets a dime bag of medical marijuana for 3 blind mice

December 7, 2010

The day after I was challenged by the domestically-challenged Israeli-American, I went to PetCo to buy dog food. I’m told it’s where the pets go, but I saw mostly people… unless the people were pets to other humans or large tyrannical mammals. No wonder it’s so hard to pick up a date there. At the [...]

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Challenged by a Domestically-Challenged Israeli-American

December 7, 2010

Everything is so much more expensive in LA. Back home, homeless people just want your spare change. Out here… they want a piece of your soul. A couple weeks ago, a domestically-challenged American (the preferred nomenclature of the homeless), told me he needed $42. Wow! That’s a lot of dreidel! He accosted me the second [...]

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